compliquée

Icy eyes

2011-01-02T15:42:00.000-08:00

I have always wanted to have eyes made of ice.
That way, they would thaw whenever I cried and pour down my cheeks. And it wouldn't be until I get back on my feet and regain my cold stare and icy smile that I could see.

Because it's easier to go blind in sadness and despair.
It's easier to close your molten eyes and wait for a gust of cold reassuring wind.

Unfortunately, my tears are all too transparent and have a tendency of distorting everything in sight. So I watch. And I cry. But mostly I watch - and try to think of icy eyes.

I have this sewn onto my forehead

2011-01-02T15:37:00.000-08:00

2011

2011-01-01T12:30:00.000-08:00

2011 brought it on, brought it way on.

New Year's party was actually not bad at all, as weren't the 4 hours I managed to sleep during the day since I got none of that during the night.

It might be a good year for us owls.

2010-12-28T15:44:00.000-08:00

Lisa Rowe: You know, there's too many buttons in the world. There's too many buttons and they're just - there's way too many just begging to be pressed, they're just begging to be pressed, you know? They're just - they're just begging to be pressed! And it makes me wonder, it really makes me fucking wonder, why doesn't anyone ever press mine? Why am I so neglected? Why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, or that my parents wish I were dead?

Susanna Kaysen: Because you're dead already, Lisa! No one cares if you die, Lisa, because you're dead already. Your heart is cold. That's why you keep coming back here. You're not free. You need this place to feel alive. It's pathetic.

We are

2010-12-28T15:41:00.000-08:00

It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

- Tyler Durden, Fight Club

Won't you.

2010-12-28T15:35:00.000-08:00

No matter how hard I hit, you'll always hit me harder.

Won't you?

No matter how many pills I take, I'll never fall asleep.

No matter how many words I read inside my head, I'll never write them down. Not anymore.

No matter how many times I tell myself that I'm okay, I'll always realize just how much I am not okay.

No matter how many times I cry, new tears will always pour out.

And at the bottom of it all...

No matter how many times I smile, I'll always be chewed up from the inside. And nothing will ever feel right again - ever.

Account

2010-12-20T13:44:00.000-08:00

It's 3 a.m., I must be lonely.

Except that I am. And exactly a year ago today, I was not lonely. Not at all. I was as close as I ever was before - to anyone.

But today I am lonely.

I am drinking a bottle of wine by myself.

I am embracing papercuts, bitten-down nails, split-ended hairs and runny mascara. I am embracing the me that wreaks havoc inside my brain. I am embracing cigarette butts inside my chest, I am embracing forgotten moments and meaningless conversations.

I am embracing being normal, I am embracing drawings on bathroom tiles when it gets foggy. I am embracing slips and I am embracing wounds.

I am embracing loneliness and I am embracing freedom. I am embracing myself and I am embracing alienation from the person I think I am. I am embracing the world and leaving myself behind. I am never letting go.

I am never crying again.

I am stronger than anyone else I know.

and weaker than myself

Air

2010-12-20T13:41:00.000-08:00

...

It's terrible to feel like a floating head on a string.

Win

2010-12-15T14:29:00.000-08:00

THIS IS SO AWESOME.

Just when I thought my life was falling apart, I completely surpassed my wildest expectations.

This is a night for smiling, even if there's a hint of blood on my teeth.

2010-12-06T11:18:00.000-08:00

Wow... this was a hard kick. Right between my already broken ribs.

I don't know what will come of this.

I am lonely once again.

Szerelem ...

2010-11-01T15:01:00.000-07:00

... ''love'', in Hungarian.

Slow

2010-11-01T14:56:00.000-07:00

''She was compelled by a confessional fever which forced her into lifting a corner of the veil and then frightened her when anyone listened too attentively.''

- Anais Nin, A Spy in the House of Love

...

This was a book I deeply enjoyed reading, not so much for the content itself as for the pure aesthicity (if this is, indeed, a word) of the writing.

Also, I've noticed that my bookshelf is slowly giving in to the weight of the books.

As much as I like the thought of this, scattered books and broken wood do not excite me enough to be willing to see it happen.

I guess.

Black

2010-10-16T11:02:00.001-07:00

''I hurt myself today

to see if I still feel''

...

Blue

2010-10-05T11:32:00.001-07:00

This

2010-09-14T10:27:00.001-07:00

... is so fucked up.

All I want is to be needed and to be loved - not for what I might or could have been but for what I am, even if that is so far from perfection it shouldn't even exist.

I just want to be someone, not no one.

And I am sick and tired of people calling themselves my friends. You're not a friend if you can't stand being pushed away.

The

2010-09-07T10:46:00.000-07:00

I had seven faces
Thought I new which one to wear
But I'm sick of spending these lonely nights
Training myself not to care

...

NEW YORK CARES.

- Interpol: NYC

I'm just so sad right now. I wish I wouldn't be wishing for this for as long as I do.

I wish I could be there right now.

I wish changes could happen with a snap of fingers.

I wish I wouldn't be so unhappy with everything and everyone.

I wish I could be an exception.

But all I have are these books with empty pages that are falling on top of me and smothering me with their blankness. I'm swallowing static and sucking on air.

Tree

2010-09-02T12:01:00.000-07:00

Right now, I'd do anything to go back to this particular moment in time.

Prague was so beautiful.

Three

2010-08-31T15:37:00.000-07:00

Apparently, it is possible to want something too much.

Now, I'm buried underneath these big dreams of mine, choking on the cynical remarks I can no longer utter, holding back the tears when looking at candid photographs.

It's strange when the entire focus of your life suddenly switches, as if the camera that was filming it fell over.

Lost on the streets of a town I know... all too well and maybe for good.